Dreading what’s coming next, I take a deep breath . . . then knock back a large mouthful. The urge to spit it straight out is hard to fight, but I swallow it down.
That’s because I’ve signed up for a taste of the weird world of Gwyneth Paltrow, a parallel universe I’m visiting for a fortnight. And that involves a lot of kale juice.
Mirror image? Gwyneth Paltrow follows a strict
diet and lifestyle to look as good as she does here on the left, so the
Mail's Clare Goldwin decided to try out some of the secrets of her
success
Like me, Gwyneth lives in London. We’re both fair-skinned and married to younger men — singer Chris Martin is five years younger than Gwyneth, while I have 18 months on my husband, Sam. And our men are musical. (Though while Gwyneth’s has netted himself a fortune with Coldplay, mine just plays the piano at home.)
Sadly, there the comparisons stop. While Gwyneth is an Oscar-winning actress and the new face of Max Factor, the only thing I’m ever the face of is ‘cross Mummy’ when my children are playing up.
While Gwyneth has been mocked after setting herself up as a lifestyle guru via her website, Goop (looking at my kale juice, it’s easy to see where she got the name from), there’s no denying she’s stunningly beautiful.
As a friend observed of a photo of Gwyneth in a bikini, all wholesome glow, glossy golden mane, smooth complexion and taut body: ‘You’d never believe she’s 40, would you?’
Significantly, she doesn’t go on to say the same about me. As a mum living in the real world, my lines are not so much fine as infinite, while my hair has grey streaks disguised by mousy highlights designed to fade subtly because I never have time to get them touched up.
Striking: Actress Gwyneth Paltrow always look stunningly beautiful for the camera
So with my 40th looming, could I turn myself into Gwynnie by following her diet, exercise and beauty regimes? Could I capture her radiance in just two weeks?
Luckily, Gwynnie is far from shy about sharing the details of her daily routine. I quickly discover — to my relief — that she has eschewed a macrobiotic diet since having children. But she’s not exactly guzzling burgers and litres of cola.
For a start, she doesn’t eat beef or processed food, and avoids refined sugar. So that’s ready-meals, roast beef, cakes and biscuits out of bounds.
She drinks green tea and while she does drink coffee, it’s just one cup at breakfast, with almond milk.
Alcohol is limited to the occasional glass of red wine or beer. Everything is organic — and she drinks ‘a lot’ of water.
And when Gwyneth gets peckish, she doesn’t gobble a packet of crisps. For snacks she likes raw almonds (perhaps because they are said to support collagen production) with raisins, which sounds OK, or coconut water, which sounds less appealing. Guacamole is also a favourite.
‘Or I’ll make a juice with kale, lemon juice, water, and a little agave,’ she trills.
So I dust off — literally — our juicer and set off to buy kale and agave, if only I can work out what agave is. It turns out to be the nectar of something that looks suspiciously like a cactus, but is actually related to a yucca plant, and is a sweetener said to be healthier than sugar.
I am beginning to suspect that drinking it will be decidedly yuk-ka — and ‘juicing’ kale certainly turns out to be a challenge. After stuffing a bag-and-a-half of the stuff into the juicer, a centimetre of bright green liquid trickles into the bottom of my glass.
But I add some water, a little lemon juice, a teaspoon of agave — and to my astonishment it actually tastes . . . OK.
There’s an earthy kick, but it’s perfectly palatable. In fact, I feel oddly invigorated, like a jolt of goodness has entered my bloodstream.
However, turning myself into Gwyneth involves rather more than just overhauling my diet.
There’s the exercise. A lot of exercise. Gwyneth reveals she does at least an hour-and-a-half a day, five days a week.
She says: ‘I do 45 minutes of cardio five days a week, because I like to eat [oh, really?]. I also try for 45 minutes of muscular structure work, which is toning, realigning and lengthening.
‘If I’m prepping for something or I’ve been eating a lot of pie, I do two hours a day, six days a week for two weeks.’
No go: It's unlikely Gwyneth will be tucking into something of this like any time soon!
Gwyneth credits Tracy with transforming her body, claiming that before she was ‘bony up top and kind of dumpy on the bottom’.
I suspect Gwyneth’s definition of ‘dumpy on the bottom’ is a little different from my own.
Obviously, LA-based Tracy is a little out of my league, but I buy a DVD of her dance fitness routines and personal trainer Holly Pannett takes me through a 45-minute routine involving lifting 3kg weights and squats, to tone my flabby upper arms and saggy bottom. When my muscles start to burn, I picture Gwyneth in her bikini for inspiration.
But while I can see how the weight exercises might tone me up, Tracy’s dance routine is another matter. I look like a giant flailing rag doll as I ‘follow’ the steps, tripping over my feet as I attempt to turn and then gracefully ‘glissé’ (a gliding ballet step) like Tracy. I am comforted to read that Gwyneth struggled too, saying: ‘I was so unco-ordinated! After 11 minutes, I’d pass out and cry and say: “I can’t do this any more!” ’
I know exactly how she feels. Even so, the first few days of Gwynnie- living are easier than I expected.
I start my day like Ms Paltrow, who breakfasts on her children’s left-overs of granola and scrambled eggs (not Coco Pops and toast as it normally is in my household).
Keen on green: Clare Goldwin tries to keep down some kale juice - favoured by Gwyneth Paltrow
But almond milk in coffee gives it a slightly sweet nutty tang and almonds and raisins are no hardship, though I suspect I scoff more of them than Gwyneth.
If I pinch my nose, I can even drink sickly-sweet coconut water (beloved by celebrities because it’s thought to hydrate faster than water, but is lower in sugar than sports drinks) after working out, like she does.
Once I’ve put the children to bed, I get into the habit of retiring to my state-of-the art private gym — aka my bedroom — to stretch and lift weights.
I’m also taking pregnancy vitamins — causing my husband to yelp in alarm when he finds them in the bathroom — and Omega 3 capsules, which Gwyneth swears by for good skin and hair.
On top of that, I have to knock back something called Dr Perricone’s Super Berry Powder with Acai, said to provide an antioxidant boost, which makes a pleasantly fruity drink when mixed with water.
Additionally, I start washing my face with the Clarisonic cleansing system, which Gwyneth says has made ‘a real difference’ to her skin.
A cross between, well, a sex toy and a shoe brush, its ‘micro massage motion’ is said to gently remove impurities.
There’s another Clarisonic gizmo that vibrates as it applies serum to my eyes. Time will tell if it leaves them as line-free as Gwynnie’s.
My constant mantra becomes ‘What Would Gwyneth Do?’ As in: ‘Gosh, I really fancy a takeaway tonight — what would Gwyneth do? Gwyneth would say “No”.’
Or ‘Would Gwyneth buy a super food salad for lunch and follow up with crudites and guacamole?
‘Yes, she would.’
And then it all goes spectacularly wrong . . .
About four days in, I’m in a health food shop where I buy a kale smoothie, a pale green concoction that contain kale, bananas and kiwi fruit.
At first it tastes OK, but there’s something about the bits swirling around in the viscous liquid, and the noxious shade, that I find disturbing. Two-thirds in, I give up.
The next day I feel slightly nauseous and have an unpleasant sensation of undigested food sitting in my stomach.
After putting the children to sleep, I have to lie down. An hour later I’m being sick, and for the next three days my tum feels so sore I am unable to eat much of anything.
Tasty: Gwyneth's chicken casserole, detailed in her cookbook goes down a particular treat
Once I’m back up to full health, I take things a bit easier. Luckily, Gwyneth is not just an actress, singer, lifestyle guru, businesswoman and mother, she’s also a cookery writer, so I consult her latest recipe book.
Some suggestions are ridiculous: ‘duck bacon’ as an ingredient, for example. No, I haven’t got a clue, either.
But her chicken casserole with dumplings is a big hit with the whole family, and the homemade granola is tasty.
Having tended to the inner woman, it’s now the turn of the outer. First up is a visit to the hairdresser, where I hope to achieve Gwynnie’s enviable swishy locks.
It’s a shock when colourist Rebecca at London salon Michaeljohn says she suspects Ms Paltrow has grey hair lurking in her golden mane. Apparently, the give-away is that she has an all-over tint under her highlights, a common celebrity trick.
‘The base just looks too warm,’ says Rebecca, giving my silver-streaked strands a similar tint and adding creamy highlights.
Unfortunately, my hair is too short for extensions (Rebecca thinks Gwynnie has those, too), so I buy a fake pony tail to complete the look.
Then it’s the turn of my teeth. Jay Daniels, tooth-whitening supremo at the Welbeck Clinic in London, says that while she reckons Gwyneth’s teeth are her own, there’s no doubt that she has them whitened.
I leave with gnashers four shades whiter and instructions not to drink red wine, tea or coffee any time soon.
I’m also comforted to discover that Gwyneth uses fake tan like the rest of us; her Oscars look this year was achieved with the help of that favourite celebrity brand, St Tropez.
After 20 minutes in front of one of their spray guns at a London salon, I leave with a Californian glow.
A few days before my photo shoot, I return, reluctantly, to the kale juice. It’s what Gwyneth does before a red-carpet event.
Before the premiere for Iron Man 2, she said she ‘did green juices and salads for three days’.
I must be traumatised because I find the merest sip of kale juice repulsive. As there’s no way I could survive three days eating nothing but salad, I compromise on a day-and-a-half. Even so, it’s a struggle.
I have lemon juice and water when I wake up, a smoothie (not kale) mid-morning and then it’s salad or steamed vegetables for lunch and dinner. By the end of it, I’m seeing mirages in my kitchen — burger and fries sitting tantalisingly on a plate.
So did it work? And was it worth it? Well, I might be fooling myself, but I think my arms do look more toned. While I had doubts about many of Gwynnie’s dietary and supplement choices, people did tell me I looked less tired.
Of course, fresh highlights, a tan and a good make-up artist can work miracles, but it’s nice to know that my glow can still be turned up if necessary.
I feel closer than ever to Gwyneth, and have gained a new respect for her, too. She may be easy to mock, but she’s not joking when she says she ‘works hard’ to look like she does.
She’ll no doubt be jetting off to the Caribbean this winter to show off her amazing body, while I’ll remain in damp, grey Britain. But at least I’ll never have to look at another glass of kale juice again.
William and Kate arrived just in time for Prince Philip's annual
pheasant shoot after he missed last year's due to a blocked coronary
artery
